Losing Titus

My daughter, Tatiana, is truly a miracle. I didn't find out how much of one until I lost her little brother, and my sister lost her daughter. See, we have a genetic disorder called MTHFR. We can't absorb/breakdown folic acid/B vitamins, and it causes blood clots.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. This is supposed to talk about when I lost Titus. How will come later.

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2010. I was so excited to add to my family, and I figured the children would be spread apart perfectly, 2.5 years! I wasn't super excited to be my biggest at the height of summer, but it would be worth it in the end. Now if only I'd have a boy!

St. Patty's day I found out I was getting my wish. A little boy was on the way! I quickly started planning how I was going to decorate the nursery, and pestered my husband into getting the stuff so I could get it done before leaving to Montana to give birth. (I was the matron of honor in my sister's wedding 2 weeks before my due date, no way to travel there and back to CA at the point.) So I got it all set up and painted in John Deere colors.

I headed up to Montana in June to see my doctor and attend my brother's wedding. At the doctor's appointment, I got hear my baby's heart beat going strong. I've always loved that sound. But I was measuring 36 weeks, when I wasn't even quite 31. The doctor assured me there was nothing to worry about, and since he was the medical professional, I let him convince me.

Fast forward a week. On the morning of June 24th, I had some light brown spotting. I figured there was nothing to worry about. After all, brown blood is old blood. I called my doctor anyways just to make sure, and they wanted me to come in so they could just check everything out. Figuring everything would be fine, I packed up my daughter and left without telling my mom what was going on. At the doctor's office, they couldn't find a heart beat. Or, as the doctor said, they couldn't tell the difference between mine and the baby's heart beat. They wanted me to go to labor and delivery to get an ultrasound, but I had to wait 3 hours. I still remained optimistic. They didn't say there wasn't a heart beat, just that they couldn't tell the difference.

By this point, I told my mom what was going on, and that I was feeling a little scared. She came into town with my step-dad. He took my daughter while my mom stayed with me. About an hour and a half later, the ultrasound confirmed my greatest fear: Titus had died. I was so devastated. My husband was back in California working. I hated making that call. He rushed out that night as soon as he could.

I decided to get induced as soon as possible. Even though I needed my husband, I didn't want him there for the birth because I knew how hard it was going to be. My entire family was there to support me, but as the contractions got stronger, they gave me morphine to help with the pain. It didn't do anything, except provide temporary mental getaways when it'd make me pass out.

After 6 hours of heavy labor, I gave birth to my little angel. I kept waiting for him to cry, making sure he was covered to keep him warm.... Sometimes when I shifted the way I was holding him, his little mouth would open, and my heart would skip a beat. It was so hard.

I was in the fog for several days. Leaving my son behind when I left the hospital broke my heart. Planning the funeral shattered it. Leaving him at the cemetery about killed me. To this day, I feel guilty about leaving him behind when I moved back to California.

I later found out that I lost Titus because of a placental abruption. Instead of bleeding out like most women, I just bled into my uterus. Which is why I was measuring over 5 weeks too large. My sister lost her child 3 months after I lost Titus, also to a placental abruption. They decided that it couldn't be coincidence, so they decided to do genetic testing. Which brings us to the MTHFR.

But there is hope on the horizon. I am once again pregnant, but this time, I know I have something that tends to kill my babies. See, Titus wasn't my 1st lose, he was actually my fourth. I had 3 miscarriages before having Tatiana. And hopefully now that we know about my problem, I'll be able to safely bring this child into the world, a second miracle for me to hold.